Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

What’s the difference

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
The prostitute says, “Are you done yet?”
The nymphomaniac says, “Are you done already?”
The blonde says, “Beige. I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Wednesday Thoughts

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Work is something that when we have it we wish we didn’t;
when we don’t have it we wish we did, and
the object is to be able to afford not to do any someday.
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Women wear perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men, but men don’t like smelly flowers. They should wear a scent called new car interior.
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Thought I would share someone else’s opinion of the global warming situation.
Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut
“I absolutely do not feel that we as humans are threatening the survival of the world. The world’s been here a very long time. We’re inhabitants. We make use of the resources here and the world is changing, and it has been changing because of the position of the sun in the Milky Way galaxy; and the perturbations, the changes in the orbital parameters, are always going through cycles, and the world will recover from whatever cycle it has to be going through. We can be very concerned about what’s changing and say, “Wouldn’t it be nice if it just stayed just the way it is?” Well, as other people — this is not original with me — but as other people have observed, what right do we have to say that whatever exists right now should be the way it should be forever and ever? It may get much, much better for a number of people, it may get much, much worse. And we can expend all sorts of energies trying to maintain a stable condition at great cost.”

Another one –
The General Motors exec behind the Chevrolet Volt electric car hands environmentalists another twig to beat GM with when he reportedly calls global warming “a crock of shit.”
Bob Lutz, GM’s vice chairman for product development, later addresses the uproar on his own blog: “General Motors is dedicated to the removal of cars and trucks from the environmental equation, period.
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Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question, “Have you ever been videotaped screaming ‘God damn America‘?” – Conan O’Brien
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Our government bailout in action
When Congress is done with it, Paulson’s proposal for saving the U.S. financial system balloons to 451 pages and is loaded with pork barrel spending – including, a cut in taxes on toy arrows and an extended tax break on “wool products.” Backers of the arrow tax exemption – section 503, say it reverses a wrongheaded 2004 law that sharply increased tax rates on cheap kids’ arrows. Also provisions for company credit for employee bicycle riders, cost recovery for motorsport racetrack facilities, tax incentives for investment in District of Columbia, Indian employment credit, income averageing for amounts received from Exxon Valdez incident, Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, special projects on Federal land, carbon tax code audit (this one will cost us), etc. I could go on. Bottom line – Why should we believe change is in the air – except money changing from our wallets to those slugs in Washington.
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Last time I went to a hotel, I told the receptionist, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.”
She replied, “No, it’s just regular porn, you sick bastard!”
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Now for something completely different, Bruce Lee playing ping pong with nunchucks. Absolutely amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqGQ72bre30

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Why I would hate to be an egg.
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
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And now to end with an oldie-but-goodie.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician  to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin’.

‘Not a problem’, replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.  It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it.  Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went’.

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress and the poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and  begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and made love to me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an  absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good’?

‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here,  I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!’
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Hope your new year begins and ends on a happy note and not a B flat.

Texas Test

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

A third grade teacher at a Texas  elementary school, in an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics.

Question # 1

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________  2. ________ 3.________  4. ________

Can you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

1. DOVE SEASON     2. DEER SEASON    3. DUCK SEASON    4.  TURKEY SEASON

Texas children are brought up knowing the important things in life.

Play Doctor

Monday, December 15th, 2008

Terrible Tommy was talking to his girl friend. He said, “Let’s play doctor. You operate and I’ll sue.”

Shameless Self Promotion

Thursday, December 11th, 2008

I usually don’t do this, but I have to admit I am a bit surprised. One of my latest books ‘Medical Humor’ is selling very well on Amazon. Go check it out and do a ‘search inside’ to get a flavor of the funny side of medicine. You can also see details at my other web site http://www.funnyshubhub.com

BTW – leave a comment. Let me know someone is out there reading this stuff. Thanks